


It Hurts To Let Go

by DirtyLilGreaseMonkey



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Jacksons Anniversary, M/M, Sibling Bonding, mentions of self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-12
Updated: 2016-06-12
Packaged: 2018-07-14 16:30:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7180346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DirtyLilGreaseMonkey/pseuds/DirtyLilGreaseMonkey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aaron, Robert and Liv take a trip to Wales which coincides with the anniversary of Jacksons death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It Hurts To Let Go

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what this is but I felt like I should write something for Jackson.
> 
> For you My Livesy <3

The only thing that could be heard as the three of them headed out of the village towards the motorway was the electric thumping of the base making the whole car shudder.

“Do we have to listen to this?” Liv complained loudly leaning forward to reach the radio only to have her hand batted away.

“What?! Don't tell me you don't like it,” Aaron teased his eyes flitting over the pair of them.

“Aaron this is….” Robert started only to have Liv finish,

“Rubbish.”

“And what would you have us listen to?” Aaron asked the pair of them not taking his eyes from the unfamiliar winding roads.

Robert looked back over his shoulder at Liv smirking as they both answered,

“Taylor,” before laughing.

Aaron just shook his head and rolled his eyes, a warm feeling spreading through his chest as a smile played at his lips This is exactly what they needed, the three of them, to spend some time together away from the village away from everything, he felt a pang of guilt in the pit of his stomach when he thought about leaving his mum but she'd told him to go, and he'd told her he loved her to which she smiled and pulled him close, so surely he shouldn't feel guilty about leaving. His eyes once again wandered to the two other people in the car who much to his annoyance singing at the top of their lungs.

**_Haters gonna hate hate hate hate_ **

He shook his head and returned his attention to the road only 100 miles to go.

*

Well over an hour later having been subject to countless Taylor swift songs Aaron pulled up outside their home for the next few days.

“It's...,” Robert started as Aaron braced himself, he knew it wasn't a luxury apartment or an expensive hotel suite but he wanted Robert and Liv to like it all the same.

“Nice.”

“Nice?” Aaron grumbled he was hoping for more than nice.

Robert reached forward grabbing him by his arm stopping him from pushing the car door open.

“It's perfect,” Robert smiled affectionately making Aaron bit his bottom lip as he cheeks reddened from the compliment.

“Jeez get a room,” Liv tutted with a roll of her eyes before climbing out the car only to have Robert shout after her,

“We've got one,” pointing to the house.

Both Aaron and Robert laughing as they had her groan,

“Eww.”

“Come on,” Robert gave Aaron a reassuring squeeze adding,

“Your mum will be fine.”

Aaron stared at Robert his mouth open slightly it still amazed him how Robert seemed to know what he was thinking without him having to say anything. With a nod of his head in thanks Aaron climbed from the car.

“Just gonna call Vic let her know I won't be back for a few days,” Robert indicated to his phone already in his hand.

“You didn't tell her before we left?” Aaron quizzed his boyfriend.  

Robert shrugged the phone already to his ear.

“Hi Vic,” Robert said in to the phone moving away from the noise of Aaron and Liv unpacking the car, explaining to his little sister where he was and when they’d be back.

“Rob you know what tomorrow is right?” Vic asked a hint of concern in her voice that made Robert frown as he tried to think what she could mean.

“What about tomorrow?”

“It's erm…,” Vic paused.

“Come on Vic spit it out.”

“Five years,” Vic breathed down the phone.

“Five years what? Vic you’re not making any sense,” Robert glanced back up at the small cottage and smiled as he watched Aaron and Liv unpacking the car he could hear Livs complaining all the way back there,

“He doesn't have to do it.”

“Jackson.”

“What? Oh,” was all he could say as he snapped his attention back to the phone,

“Right.”

“Just take care of him,” Vic instructed her brother.

“What do ya think I've been doing?” Robert informed her.

They said goodbye but Robert hadn’t really be listening, the knowledge of what tomorrow could mean to Aaron distracting him. As he made his way back towards the house he ran his hand through his head, why hadn’t Aaron said anything? Should he tell him he knew?

“You alright?” Aaron asked in greeting noticing Roberts furrowed brow.

“Yeah,” Robert gave a tight smile in reply before adding,

“Are you?” the worry in his voice unmistakable.

“This is what we need Robert,” Aaron told him assuming his uncertainty was directed towards Liv.

“It is isn’t it,” Robert replied with a nod of his head.  

“I am doing this all by myself?” Liv called from the front door.

“Best give her a hand before she breaks something,” Aaron joked as he moved off to help Liv leaving Robert stare after him in concern.

*

That night as Aaron joined Robert on the balcony Liv safely tucked up in her room they sat under the stars Robert wrapping pulling Aaron in close wrapping him in the blanket he had draped around his shoulders. They watched in silence looking out over the sea as more stars appeared Aaron snuggled under the crook of Roberts arm.

“You were right ya know,” Robert breathed into Aarons hair. 

“I know,” Aaron agreed sleepily before sitting up a puzzled expression on his face as he asked,

“About what?”

“This, it’s exactly what we need.”

“Told you,” Aaron smiled and there was no way Robert was going to remind him of tomorrows date; he knew Aaron would remember eventually whether that be tomorrow or a few days later when they returned to Emmerdale guilt ridden that he’d forgotten but for now he was just happy that Aaron was finally relaxing and couldn’t bring himself to spoil that. 

*

The next day they packed the car with supplies and drove down to Colwyn Bay to spend the day overlooking the Irish Sea.

“It’s busy,” Aaron noted as he pulled up along the beach front.

“I’m sure will can find a spot what do ya reckon Liv?”

“Whatever,” came a voice from the back.

“Hey,” Aaron chastised.

“It’s fine,” Robert gave him a tight smile.

“Are we going or what?” Liv huffed as she climbed out of the car.

“Guess we’re going,” Aaron shook his head in amusement as Robert did the same, sometimes it was so easy to tell that Liv and Aaron were cut from the same cloth.

As they searched the beach for the perfect space to set up camp for the day Aaron seemed lost in his thoughts, the last time he was on a beach had been the day he confessed his childhood secret to Chas and as he looked at Robert and Liv a little ways in front of him he knew it was because of the three of them he’d made it through that ordeal and he vowed to Live up to his promise, to be the best big brother he could be but also the silent promise he’d made that day too, to be the man Robert deserved, because God knows he’d proved his love for Aaron over the last few months.

“Hey slow coach,” Robert jogged up to him his bare feet sinking into the sand, his shoes and socks abandoned some time ago.

“You okay?” he whispered in Aarons ear.

“I’m fine Robert.”

Robert smiled in return noticing Liv was about to plug herself into her phone he yelled,

“No phones miss.”

“What?” Liv exclaimed.  

“He’s right, how can you enjoy the fresh air plugged into that thing,” Aaron pointed to her phone.

“Fine,” Liv barked pulling out her headphones dropping them into her bag,

“I’m going for swim.”

“Just go careful,” Aaron called after her but she wasn’t listening.

“Fancy a walk?” Robert asked hopefully as they watched Liv race into the sea.

“Sure.”

Aaron stripped his shoes and socks off relishing the feeling of the warm sand between his toes and tentatively he took Roberts outstretched hand. According to the radio today was supposed to be the hottest day of the year so far and they weren’t lying. The sun bounced off the water as Aaron squinted his eyes against it.

“Here,” Robert handed Aaron his sunglasses as he placed his own over his eyes.

“Thanks.”

“Are you coming Aaron?”

Aaron froze and Robert caught the panicked look on Aarons face at Livs question.

“I’ll go,” Robert commented his expression full of understanding; he pulled his t-shirt over his head revealing his pale freckled torso.

“You’ll burn,” Aaron said his response automatic.

“I’ll be fine,” he pressed a quick kiss to Aarons cheek before racing to join Liv in the water.

Aaron hated that he couldn’t join them, if he was alone with Robert than perhaps he would, Robert had a way of making him do things he wasn’t entirely comfortable with but he wasn’t ready for Liv to see the lasting damage their father had inadvertently inflicted on Aarons body.

Kicking at the water’s edge with his foot Aaron realised he was jealous as he watched them; they seemed so carefree, splashing each other with water, pushing each other under the waves. At one point he did panic slightly when Liv came up coughing and spluttering but Robert held his hand up knowing Aaron would be worried.

“She’s fine,” he yelled.

“Idiot,” he heard Liv laugh as she jumped on Roberts back.

He shook his head at them smiling, he was glad they were getting along so well after everything that had happened. He wondered down the beach the water lapping at his feet as he looked back every now and again when he heard Liv scream or Roberts booming laugh.  As he walked the cool sea breeze on his face he felt himself relax properly for the first time in a long time, the background noise of Robert and Liv just added to that content feeling building inside his chest. He knew they had a long way to go but like Robert had said the day of the funeral it was just the three of them now and they could finally move on. His foot landed on something solid in the water and he bent down to inspect it expecting a shell, his eyes widening when he saw that it was in fact a fossilised shell. He passed the stone over his hands his mum suddenly at the forefront of his mind. He should probably call her. He pocketed the ancient shell and carried on with his walked eventually turning around and heading back to lay on the towels they had set up for the day. A few minutes later he felt water dripping on his face as he opened his eyes to find Roberts wet half naked body hovering over him.

“Hi,” Robert squinted droplets of water falling from his hair and onto Aarons face

Aaron was momentarily distracted by Roberts glistening skin his eyes travelling back up to meet Roberts heated gaze.

“Hi yourself.”

Robert flung himself down on the towel next to Aaron and reached up to cup his face,

“Good walk?”

“Yep,” Aaron smiled giddily,

“Even found ya something.”

“Really?”

Aaron dug in the pocket of his shorts and pulled out the fossil handing it to Robert.

“For me?”

“For you,” Aarons thumb worried over his bottom lip as Robert examined his treasure.   

“Aaron,” Robert breathed out his eyes wandering down to his lips as he leant over him placing his mouth lightly against Aarons.

“I don’t know what to say,” his hand closed around the precious shell as he brought his fist up in between their bodies.

Aaron smiled into another kiss making Robert moan softly.

“Get a room,” Liv joked it seemed to be her go to statement whenever the two men showed any affection towards each other.

“We have, shame its next to yours,” Robert pulled his tongue out in response as he disengaged himself from Aaron running his hand through his damp hair flicking his wet hand at her.

“Oi!”

“Stop it you two,” Aaron laughed with a roll of his eyes.

“He started it,” Liv grumbled to which Aaron just shook his head.

He laid back enjoying the sun warming his skin, listening to Robert and Liv bicker a smile on his face. The three of them laid like that basking in the heat content with the silence until Liv broke it reaching for phone.

“What date is it?” she asked out loud even though her phone could tell her.

Roberts whole body tensed from Livs question, he was hoping Aaron wouldn’t have to be reminded

Aaron leant up on his elbows and peered over the top of his sunglasses,

“We said no phones.”

“7th June, its mum’s birthday next week and I didn’t wanna forget,” Liv complained as she shoved her phone back in her bag.

“Maybe we could….hang on did you say 7th?” Aaron startled.

“Yep,” Liv nodded.

“It can’t…” Aarons voice trailed off.

Robert sat up,

“Liv, go get us an ice cream will ya.”

“Go ya self,” she huffed but she’d noticed Aarons sudden mood change too.

Roberts eyes flitted from her to Aaron and back again; seeming to get the message she climbed to her feet in a huff thrusting her hand out to which Robert place a £10 and waiting until she was out of ear shot before he reached out for Aaron.

“You okay?”

Aaron knew he was just trying to help but even the use of the soft tone he reserved especially for him set a stab of anger through his chest.

“Okay of course I’m not okay how could I…”

“Aaron it’s alright,” Robert told him in the hopes it would calm him down but it had the opposite effect.

How was any of this alright, not only had he left his mum on her own when she clearly needed him but now just when he was finally beginning to feel like himself again he forgot, he forgot what today was, what it meant, he’d forgotten Jackson. His head whipped around and he scowled at Robert.

“This is your fault.”

“What?” Robert exclaimed hurt by Aarons accusation.

“I should be there with…..” with what Aaron thought, _a grave_ ,

“But instead I’m with you.”

 _‘And Liv’_ Robert wanted to add but he choose to stay quiet he knew Aaron was feeling guilty about forgetting the anniversary.

“Aaron it’s been years.”

“Five it’s been five,” Aaron whispered more to himself than to Robert his hand coming up under his shirt to feel the oldest ridges that adorned his stomach.

“Aaron,” Robert stood up placing his hand on Aarons arm.

“Don’t,” Aaron jerked away from him.

“I got you an ice cream,” Liv smiled up at him not knowing what she was returning to.

“I don’t want an ice cream,” Aaron cried with such ferocity Liv backed away from him.

“I…,” Liv started her face crumpled as she tried not to cry.

“Come here,” Robert pulled Liv protectively behind him shielding her body with his.

“Aaron calm down.”

“Don’t I….”

“Go,” Robert stopped him before he could say anything else he would regret when he eventually did calmed down, the last thing he wanted was to let Aaron go, knew he wasn’t good on his own when he was feeling like this but he needed to look after Liv too and deep down Aaron knew that.

“Go do whatever it is you need and..” Robert looked down at Liv her eyes glistening with tears,

“And we’ll be here when you get back.”

“Whatever,” Aaron grunted and with that he walked away from them and he carried on walking until he couldn’t breathe anymore and he broke down as a sob escaped his chest quickly followed by another then another until his vision blurred as tears streamed down his face.

“What’s…what’s wrong with him?” Liv asked shakily batting the few tears that had slipped down her cheeks away with the back of her hand, the gesture so similar to that of her brothers Roberts answer caught in his throat.

“He…” he coughed around the sudden affection he felt for her as he tried to explain, he wasn’t sure how much she knew but he should have known  

With Robert not knowing what to say Liv stepped in,

“He doesn’t think I know but I’ve seen them, his scars.”

You have? Robert asked curiously noticing the fleeting panic on her face,

“Don’t worry I won’t tell him.”

Robert sighed she needed to know something.

“The reason he has some of those scars is because he blames himself for the death of his boyfriend.”

“Jackson?” Liv puzzled remembering back to a picture shed found in Aarons room when shed first arrived.

“Yes,” Robert nodded as he rolled up Aarons towel packing it away into the bag repeating the process with his own.

“He died, five years ago today.”

“Oh,” Livs mouth fell open and she stared after her brother her brow creasing,

“But why is he mad?”

“He forgot,” Robert said sadly.

“Isn’t that a good thing?”

“You’d think so,” Robert snorted.

“But this is Aaron,” Liv smiled up at him.

“Exactly,” he’d forgotten just how intuitive Liv was when it came to her big brother.

“And he blames us?” Liv asked the hurt clear in her voice.

“Me Liv not us, he would never blame you,” Robert reassured her.

“it’s not your fault either.”

“I suggested we come here,” Robert let out a heavy sigh.

“But you didn’t know?”

“Not until Vic reminded me yesterday no.”

They finished packing in silence both of them lost in their own thoughts.

“He’ll be alright,” Liv stated with as much confidence as she could muster.

Robert smiled down at her; he wished he could be as sure.

“Come on we’ll walk,” Robert instructed when he realised Aaron still had the keys.

“He’ll be alright?” Liv repeated uncertainly creeping into her voice in need of Roberts reassurance.

“I don’t know,” he replied honestly,

“But we’ll be there for him when he gets back and that’s all we can do for now.”

“Okay,” Liv agreed and with one last look over her shoulder in the direction Aaron had ran off she fell into step besides Robert as they made their own way back to their home for the week.

*

Back at the house Robert fixed Liv a sandwich forgoing his own he couldn’t think about food until he knew Aaron was safe.

It was getting dark when Aaron decided to make his way back to the house. He’d headed back to the beach a few hours earlier only to find no trace of Liv or Robert. He sank into the sand and stared out across the water listening to the lapping waves calmed him slightly and he knew Robert was taking care of Liv and he would be forever grateful for that. so he talked, he let everything he was feeling out, and not just about Jackson, but things he’d kept bottled up for too long, about Gordon, about the responsibility he felt taking care of Liv, about Robert and how he felt about him. With a deep sigh he headed back to the car and drove the short journey back to the pair of them with no idea how to explain his actions.

Robert forced himself to stay put as he heard the front door slam.

“Aaron!” Liv cried out and rushed to greet him leaving Robert alone on the balcony.

“Hi,” he heard faintly after a few minutes.

“Hi,” Robert returned the greeting his eyes never leaving the horizon.

“I’m sorry,” Aaron whispered into the cool night air.

“It’s not me to need to apologise to,” Robert informed him coldly.

Aaron recoiled the hurt in Roberts voice,

“I know.”

“She was scared Aaron and you just left her.”

“I know I’m sorry.”

Robert sighed inwardly are he turned towards Aaron his face falling when he catch sight of his boyfriend.

“Are you alright?” he asked as he took in Aarons red rimmed eyes; he leant forward his thumb brushing away Aarons silent tears from his cheek.

Robert knew Jackson’s death had taken its toll on Aaron both physically and mentally. His death had caused so much pain and suffering that Robert couldn’t help but dislike the man who still held a place in Aarons heart. He never talked about him, what little he knew he’d learnt from Vic and surprisingly Chas but what he did know was that Jackson had put Aaron in a unthinkable position and no matter how Aaron had felt at the time is wasn’t right. Still he knew Aaron had loved him and the guilt for forgetting his passing was eating away at him.

“Here,” Robert took the fossil Aaron had given him earlier that day and pressed it into Aarons palm closing his fingers around it placing his own hand over Aarons.

Aaron looked up into his eyes the confusion clear on is face,

“You don’t want it?”

“Of course I do, but I think you need it more.”

Robert sighed he didn’t think it would hurt this much,

“I know you still love him so when we get back give it to him.”

“What?” Aaron couldn’t believe what Robert was willing to sacrifice for him, once again proving his love for him.  

Robert withdrew his hand,

“Look I’m really trying to understand Aaron but you’re not making it easy.”

“Sorry,” Aaron mumbled as he played with the fossil in his hand.

“I don’t want you to be sorry I want you to talk to me you can rely on me too remember.”

Robert watched as a faint smile pulled at Aarons lips at the memory one that Robert himself cherished.  

“Just tell me one thing,” Robert exhaled into the silence that stretched out between them,

“You didn’t…..” he gestured towards Aarons chest his eyes dropping to his stomach and Aaron knew what he was trying to say.

“No I’m…I didn’t.”

The thought had crossed his mind briefly but knowing he’d have to explain himself to both Liv and Robert prevented him, but the urge was still there, he feared it always would be.

“Good,” Robert hummed with relief the tension that had been building since Aaron has left releasing as he pulled Aaron in to his arms.

“I can’t lose you Aaron.”

“You’re not going to,” Aaron promised as he kissed the warm skin on Roberts neck.

“Then talk to me,” Robert pleaded but Aaron had done all his talking when he’d returned to the beach instead he ran his fingers through Roberts hair.

“You know I love you too right,” he said so softly Robert was sure he’d dreamt it.

“Say it again.”  

“I love you Robert.”

Hearing those three words made everything else melt away, because Robert finally had confirmation, Aaron loved him.  

“I love you too.”

As they settle once again under the blanket to watch the stars shine Aaron chuckled lightly,

“You’ve spent too much time in the sun,” as he traced the newly formed freckles adorning Roberts chest with his fingertips as Robert wrapped his arms around him.

*

For the next few days Aaron tried to put aside his guilt and join in with all the activities Robert and Liv had planned in his absence, kayaking, abseiling, the zoo but Robert could see something was missing, he laughed along with the jokes but when he thought no one was looking his brow furrowed and Robert knew he was still holding onto the guilt of forgetting Jacksons anniversary. They didn’t return to the beach and Aaron didn’t know if that was on purpose but he was grateful that Robert had made that decision for him. 

The drive home on the Friday morning was a quiet one, the activities of the previous few days taking their toll on Liv who slept most of the way back to Emmerdale. Robert was driving so Aaron had time to work out what he was going to say to Jackson when they arrived back the shell he’d found held firmly in his fist.

“Back to reality,” Robert sighed as he pulled the handbrake shutting off the engine.

“You ready?” Robert asked Aaron the question hung in the air between them holding more meaning than either of them cared to admit.

“Go,” Robert encouraged him.

Aaron glanced over his shoulder before finding Roberts eyes with his,

“You sure?”

“We’ll be fine unloading wont we Liv?”

“What?” Liv answered groggily from the backseat to which they both laughed.

“Meet you in the pub later?” Robert insisted.

“And Aaron,” Robert grabbed Aarons hand bringing it to his mouth to press a kiss against his closed fist.

“I know,” Aaron nodded as Robert let go of his hand.

“Come on you,” he heard Robert say to Liv as he walked away.

He made his way slowly across the village towards the graveyard, his fist tightening almost painfully around the fossilised shell in his hand, the same hand that Robert had kissed moments before.

He bent his knees using his free hand falling to the soft earth in front of him keeping him upright and he reached out to trace Jacksons name with the back of his other hand.

“I’m so sorry mate,” Aaron croaked out.

“I lost myself and I forgot, I’m so sorry Jackson,” he sobbed.

“You will always be in here,” he pressed his fingers to his chest,

“But I’ve got Liv to think of now and I need to be strong for her,” he batted his falling tears away,

“And for Robert,” he added guiltily.

“I’ll never forget you mate that’s a promise but I have to let you out of here,” his pressed his closed fist to his temple before laying the ancient stone on the ground.

“You’ll always be with me just like I’ll always be with you,” he pressed the shell into the earth and with a nod of his head he climbed to his feet.

“Goodbye Jackson,” he sniffed wiping his nose on the back on his sleeve.

* 

Robert shifted their luggage into Aarons room singled handed as Liv caught up with gabby who seemingly appeared out of nowhere.  With everything out of the car Robert found Liv managing to coax her away from her friend with the promise of food as guided her into the free booth in the pub.

“Where’s Aaron?” she questioned as he opened her crisps pleased he didn’t have to remind Robert of the flavour any more.

Robert opened his mouth to reply but closed it again as he saw Aaron push through the door. As Aaron slid into the booth next to Liv he couldn’t help but notice how at ease with himself he was.

“Everything alright?” he questioned with a half-smile as he tried to gauge Aarons mood.  

“It is now,” Aaron ruffled Livs hair.

“Hey I’m not a kid,” Liv complained but laughed as Aaron pulled her to his side.

“You sure about that?” Aaron laughed back before beckoning Robert closer with a curl of his fore finger,  

“C’mere.”

Robert leaned forward his eyes widening in surprised as Aaron leaned in placing his lips against mouth in a chaste kiss.

“I’m ready,” he whispered against his lips before pulling back his bottom lip firmly between his teeth.

“You mean it?” Robert asked excitedly it was something they’d talked about only once before and at the time Aaron had been against the idea but having spent the week together in wales, no matter how distracted he’d been had felt right, the three of them, he was ready to start his new life with the people who loved him, he’d never forget Jackson but now he’d let him go there was nothing holding him back anymore, not Jackson, not Gordon, and now finally not Aaron himself.  

“Let’s move out.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks you for reading :) let me know what you think - tumblr (starkidsarah)


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